Thursday, November 4, 2010

Maintaining a relationship is never as easy as it looks. And recovering from one that has been broken can be a real challenge.

On some level, each of us has had to find ways to cope with this. Whether it’s been a failed marriage, strained relationship or alienated friend, all possess a commonality. It takes far more energy to remain upset than it does to find a way to reconcile to the point of mutual friendliness. With this being true, why do many folks work so hard at maintaining feelings of animosity when behaving civilly towards one another takes less energy and leaves one feeling better about themselves?

I’m not saying to forgive and forget all that’s transpired, for I’m a firm believer that remembering is a good thing, as it helps prevent us from making the same mistakes. But doesn’t it sound more appealing to rise to a level of behaving in a mature friendly manner towards one another than to walk around, carrying a ton of bitterness on your shoulders? This hostility won’t only affect the one you’re upset with but anyone else unfortunate enough to be in the “fallout zone?”

That brings me to my next point.

When one allows resentment and anger to fester to the point that it inhibits them from acting like civilized adults capable of being in the same room with one another without having homicidal thoughts, everyone loses. In that equation, not only does the one you’re upset with get caught up in your blast zone, but also your mutual friends and family take away scars when they have to choose between dealing with your childish behavior or distancing themselves in the interest of staying sane. In the end, the one who loses most is you.

By placing a higher value on maintaining your rancor, which undoubtedly presents itself in the form of antagonism, you stress your body and emotions to the point where you can become exhausted if not ill. And by prioritizing “hurting” the person you’re angry with over all else, you end up alienating those who could and would be there to support you if only you didn’t drive them away with you behavior.

No, maintaining a relationship is never as easy as it looks. And when that relationship has suffered a break, rebuilding it to the point of being able to behave civilly with one another can take a monumental effort. But in the long run, making that effort allows everyone to walk away a winner—yourself included.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

I adore my weekly dates with my youngest son, for we get into the most in depth conversations about the most interesting subjects. Today, for example, out conversation flowed easily from religion, to dinosaurs, to politics, to education, to aliens, to intelligent life forms in other universes, to dolphins, to world history, to small-mindedness, to terrorists, to why the terrorists took out the Twin Towers on 911, to fear, to control, to the freedom to maintain one’s individual beliefs, to stereotypes, and so on and so on.

When we converse, we don’t just tap on the surface of subjects. Oh, no! The two of us, both profound thinkers, like to roll up our sleeves and dissect each down to its very bones, and even then we don’t stop, wanting to get to the very root cause.

At first glance, many of the subjects we discussed today may not seem to be connected. But as my son and I are prone to do, we kept digging and digging until we found common denominators tying many to one another.

We discussed how fear is the base root of many wrongs committed by individuals and organized groups. That fear isn’t always born out of ignorance or naiveté. Often, it stems from the fear of having one’s beliefs challenged and then having them proven wrong, which if accepted, would create a huge fissure in one’s foundation of everything they have known to be true up until that point in time. This led my son and I down the path of discussing how many are resistant to change, not because they don’t want to grow, evolve and learn, but because they are either complacent or fearful of the unknown.

We spoke about how some in authoritative positions, teachers, religious leaders and parents amongst them, balk at those who would dare to question what they spout off as being the only right answer—the absolute way things are with no room for discussion. And when questioned, fear of being made to look the fool can lead them to lash out in a manipulative manner, by telling the individual who is questioning them that by doing so, they are not respecting them.

My son and I couldn’t disagree with this mentality more. In our household, my husband and I have always encouraged our children to ask questions and love it when they prove us wrong. Though we have demonstrated that the best way to do so is in a respectful manner that helps to build up the one they are questioning by educating them.

Over the course of our date, we talked about how any and all knowledge we have, which has been proven, is subject to interpretation. How? Well, things that are “proven” are only as good as the tools used to prove them. Over time, tools and technology available become more sophisticated, often disproving earlier “theories.” Dinosaurs and a lot of ancient historical facts have fallen subject to this.

I liked how my son, like me, expressed he believes that we are not the only intelligent life forms. That other universes may and probably do have ones as, if not more, intelligent than ourselves. We used dolphins as an example. Our thought being that if dolphins are here and almost as intelligent as we are, then isn’t it arrogant for us to believe that there are no others equal to them? Us? On this planet or in other universes?

All in all, the subjects my son and I discussed had one common thread interwoven more intricately than any other—open-mindedness. If we ever hope to become a collective better civilianization, then we have to display the willingness to want to change, learn, be proven wrong, and then learn new facts. And all this can only transpire if we are accepting of other’s beliefs and lifestyles, proven facts and things not yet revealed to us.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

A thought kept rolling around in my head today. One I think of often and have had meaningful conversations about.

Here’s the deal. Each of us is born into this world with one body, the singular item that will travel with us throughout our entire life. As such, it will accompany us to our very last breath.

That’s an attention getter.

My question is this. If we are granted only one body in which we must live out our existence, then why do many folks do little or nothing to maintain it? Instead, they dedicate themselves to taking immaculate care of their cars, houses, electronics, toys, etc. But when it comes to the one thing that is irreplaceable—their bodies—they believe that it’s okay to abuse or not take care of it, assuming that all will work out in the end.

How? By then, it’s too late!

This brings me to another question. In the end, do you want to be encased in a broken down dilapidated body that you recklessly misused your whole life? Or would you rather increase your odds of a quality existence, during your latter years, by maintaining your most precious belonging—your body?

Think about it. The quality of your future lies in your hands.

Monday, November 1, 2010

Seems a good number of my friends are going through challenging times. Whether it is relational or physical, they are being tested to their full capacity.

I get worried enough when I hear that one of my friends is experiencing serious challenges, especially physical. But lately, things have gotten a tad out of hand. Seems each time I connect with another friend, I discover that something is seriously wrong, landing them in the hospital only to fine himself or herself under the surgeon’s knife.

The same week I went in for my surgery, I had three other friends go under the knife. In a perverse way, we gained comfort from one another, as each kept the other informed of their post-surgery progress, encouraging the rest that all would go well with our individual procedures and recoveries. Thankfully, each of us has had a fairly easy time with getting back on our feet.

But since my surgery, I have heard of at least one if not more, per week, of my friends who has fallen seriously ill, needing to be hospitalized for any number of intense medical problems. It’s true that I laugh and smile my way through most things. With my friends, I’m no different. And when I get word of such trying situations they’re enduring, I double my efforts to help bolster them any way I can.

Sometimes that means giving them the time and space they need to come to terms with everything, knowing that when they’re ready, they’ll reach out. I don’t get upset at their distance or silence, for I understand from whence it stems—their need to process.

There are others to whom I make known my presence, allowing them a strong shoulder to lay their burdens on and a listening ear. I know I can’t take away their pain or fix whatever is wrong, but I can be there for them.

Still others require that they be distracted. And so, it’s with those that I find myself being my goofy self and chattering on endlessly either by phone, text, email or in person to give them a respite from their current “storms.”

I’m not trying to imply that I’m a saint or make any of this about me. I’m not, and it’s not. The point I am trying to make is that there are people out there who need others to help get them through certain challenges. And I believe it’s up to us, as the ones who love them and who they trust to be there for them.

We never know, until we try, what kind of impact some small act of kindness we display might have on another in need.