Sunday, June 3, 2012

I went to a class yesterday on communicating in relationships.  How imperative it is to the success of said relationships.  The woman giving the class, did an excellent job of giving examples of various ways things can be said to get one’s point across, each having a different meaning. 

For example, let’s say a woman has a horrible day at work.  She comes home and her significant other asks about her day.  The woman, still stressed out, could reply several ways.  One might be, “I had a horrible day.”  Another could be, “ I had an awful day and am going to go read a book.”  Another possibility might be, “I had an awful day and hate my life.”

The first comment shows how the individual is willing to share with her significant other about how she had a messed up day.  The second wording implies that she needs some alone time to process what happened before she’d be willing to share more.  The third comment means she’s completely overwhelmed and it would be best to perhaps give her a hug and then let her process a bit on her own before pressing for more details.

How we communicate is oft more important than what we say.  And…just to complicate matters, more often than not, how we communicate dictates what we’ve just communicated.  Effective communication does not involve haphazardly slinging words back and forth at one another, hoping each will understand our intentions and true meanings.  Each person in the relationship has a responsibility to make his or her feeling heard and understood.

Along these lines, one of the attendees to the class raised their hand during the question-and-answer portion at the end of class.  She commented how when her significant other asks about how her day’s going or if all’s okay, when it’s not, she’ll reply with what she believes he wants to hear, thinking that will make things easier.  The class instructor set her straight that to do so isn’t easier, shows no respect for the significant other and walks a very thin line of lying, for it’s deceptive to say all’s okay when it’s not or tell a person what you think they want to hear rather than honoring them with the truth they asked for. 

Also, withholding pertinent information never makes things easier.  Why?  Because those feelings, since not being addressed, won’t go away.  Instead, they’ll fester under the surface and find their way out.  They always manage to come out.  And…if feelings have been stifled, they have a nasty way of not just making themselves known, but of exploding onto the playing field at the most inopportune time and in the most ineffective communicative manner.  The instructor shared how, though it may be a bit messier and seem worse, its best to address feelings honesty when they first come up.

Effective communicating is an ongoing learned skill that takes practice, patience and proficiency.  We can’t expect to get any better if we avoid opportunities to strengthen these skills.