Tuesday, January 11, 2011

From just prior to Christmas until now, I’ve had several friends lose significant loved ones. Some were unexpected. Another was more predicted. Each individual was taken at various points in their life: late twenties, mid-life and early senior years.

I’ve talked with each of my friends and watched their faces stiffen and contort as they try to come to terms with their losses. My heart breaks when I watch their eyes fill with tears, their grief overwhelming. I know there’s nothing I can say or do that will erase their pain, so instead, I give them my time.

As we discuss their departed loved ones, a recurring question arises. The mourner wonders aloud if it’s harder to watch a loved one die slowly or if it’s easier to cope when the loss is sudden, catching everyone off-guard.

Each time this question is posed, I feel at a loss. I wish I had an answer that would ease my friends’ suffering. Clarify things. Bring some sense of meaning to the deaths. But the truth is, it’s never easy to lose someone who’s an integral part of our lives.

To watch the process expanded over a period of time, does give folks a chance to adjust—sort of. But having to watch a person, the best parts of them, slip away bit by bit is excruciating for the survivors. When I’ve found myself in that position, I hope that the one who is passing isn’t fully aware of what’s happening. Or if they are, it’s on an alternate plane, one they are at peace with.

When a death is sudden, it’s jarring to a molecular level. There’s no sense of closure. An endless barrage of questions can arise, many of which may never be answered. Authorities may become involved. Autopsies—a grim reminder of their loss—can become a part of the survivor’s lives. When a death is sudden, affairs can be left unresolved. This forces loved ones to attempt the impossible— to read the minds of those who have moved on, hoping upon all hope that in doing so, they’ll honor their loved ones wishes.

Expected. Unexpected. Sudden. Drawn out. I don’t believe there is an easy way to lose someone with whom we’re close. Hearts will ache. Past memories will surface. Time will stand still for a spell. I believe that these are all normal and expected reactions when someone suffers a loss. How can the survivor not be affected when someone who played an intrinsic part in their lives is…no more? There’s no quick fix. Never has been. There’s a period of shock. Then adjustment. And finally one comes to terms with what has happened. The process just takes…time.