Friday, April 15, 2011

There are times in life when nothing goes as expected. When this used to happen, it would throw me into a state of utter disarray, not knowing what to do, desperate to exact my will and get things “back on track.” I wasted a lot of years and expended a ton of energy trying to do the latter, only to be utterly frustrated when things ended up going the way they were supposed to instead of the way I had expected, hoped or wanted them to.

So does it still throw me when things go all awry? Yes. But do I waste valuable time getting all upset and trying the impossible—to force my will on things? No. So what changed? Why did I change? I suppose I’d finally just had enough. Enough of being beyond frustrated. Enough of feeling exhausted and beaten down, when I should have been going with the flow, having faith that things would turn out as they were supposed to.

Right now, I’m caught up in one of those whirlwinds where nothing is going as planned. Things that can go wrong…are, as Murphy’s Law is in full swing. But do I feel exhausted? Beat down? Like I’m fighting an uphill battle? No. Why not? Cause, though it’s surprising even me, I’m remaining ultra calm in the knowledge that most of these events are completely outside my control. That I have taken the steps necessary to express how I feel, and that now, things are in the hands of others. And I must confess, the fact that I’m so calm about all of this, the having no control over these situations, is surprising me.

Though I expected to be calmer and more accepting than I used to, my current reaction is…weird…I mean, really and truly odd. Why? Cause I’m not just trying to convince myself that I’m calm, as I usually do, but I am calm, honestly calm, down to my core.

So what does this mean? Beats me! I feel like I’m just along for the ride. And wherever that may take me…whatever the end result, for the first time in my life, I’m completely at ease with wherever may come.