Tuesday, July 3, 2012

What constitutes a healthy relational connection?  According to C. Robb, “A primary goal of RCT (relational-cultural therapy) is to create and maintain Mutually-Growth-Fostering Relationships, relationships in which both parties feel that they matter. In these healthy relationships, all of the involved parties experience what is known as the Five Good Things. These include: 1) a desire to move into more relationships, because of how a good relational experience feels; 2) a sense of zest, or energy; 3) increased knowledge of oneself and the other person in the relationship; 4) a desire to take action both in the growth-fostering relationship and outside of it; 5) an overall increased sense of worth.”  I couldn’t agree more!

When two people opt to form a connection, whatever form that may take, they need to ensure that the forged relationship is mutually fulfilling with both parties able to thrive.  In addition, I agree with Robb’s assessment that healthy relational connections foster a desire for the individuals involved to cultivate more relationships. 

I believe it’s unhealthy for two people to obsess over one another, spending every single moment with only themselves.  Why?  Simple.  By closing out the rest of the world, these individuals limit their ability to keep things in perspective and offer themselves no chance for personal growth, which would likely enhance the relationship.

Often, however, I see two or more individuals enter into relationships that are anything but healthy.  These occur when one of the parties involved benefits at the expense of the other who withers bit by bit, their once brilliant light fading as they lose their sense of self and self-worth.  Worse is when the beneficiary is aware and goes out of their way to selfishly suck every last bit of essence from that other person, reveling in how much better they feel while caring little or not at all how the other individual is being negatively affected.

My heart breaks when I see how broken the “losing” individual becomes.  How they lose their ability to see themselves for the wonderful person they are.  Feel any sense of self-worth.   Project themselves into a brighter future, instead, collapsing themselves into the exhausted taken-advantage of individuals the other person in the relationship has made them into.

Many wonder why a person allows himself or herself to be so taken advantage of.  The answer is complex.  Sometimes it’s due to past experiences.  How they were raised.  Or general low self-esteem that predators are apt to take advantage of.  The worst part is, once trapped in this cycle, it’s beyond difficult for a person to extricate himself or herself.

 

So what can a person do to help ensure that the majority of the relationships they enter into are healthy connections?  I believe the best line of defense is to always seek to better one’s self, sense of self and feeling of self-worth.  By doing so, a person empowers him or her self to steer clear of predators by instilling an unshakable certainty that they are worth being treated with respect.  That their thoughts, actions and intentions should be valued and not shot down at every juncture—by anyone—much less someone claiming to care about them.

So as we prepare to celebrate our country’s independence, why not commit to celebrating our own?  The power we possess to maintain our independence while entering into healthy versus unhealthy relational connections?