I’m a person who likes to help others. But there are times, when doing so can leave me feeling so empty and void inside that I’m rendered numb.
As I said, I do like helping folks. If I see someone who’s in need that I feel a connection with, I’ll go out on a limb to help bring about positive results for him or her. But having a connection with them seems to be key…at least for me.
Right now, I’m caught up in one of those dilemmas, the kind I hate being embroiled in. It’s a dynamic where I do see a way that I can help another. But…someone else is currently helping them. Hmmm…I think to myself. Does the person need my help as well? I ponder the possibilities. What I can offer that the other individual who’s stepping in isn’t able to provide. The answer I arrive at is, yes, I can offer unique help.
Here’s where things get messy. Though I see a way I could help this person, I find myself holding back. Everything in me is screaming to keep my distance. To not get involved. But then…I suppose I’m already involved, for the other one who’s reaching out has requested that I add my help to the situation.
I think about the ramifications. All the time and effort it will take to help turn this individual in need around. Then I weigh the pros and cons of my getting involved. Putting that much effort into something that will ultimately leave me feeling empty.
Why will it make me feel that way? Because I have absolutely no draw to the one in need. They are already being helped—not like I’m leaving them stranded. And I know that for me to go to the great lengths required to help this particular person, will benefit them and the other helper. Strengthen their relationship.
So, why do I resist? Why is every warning flag within me hitting the field? Why do I feel exhausted even considering reaching out and helping this particular individual when I’m usually the first to rush in and help? Ultimately, it’s because I know that if I step in and help, doing so allows me to be used. Not that helping another in need is synonymous to being used. It’s not. In fact, I adore the feeling of accomplishment I get when I know I’ve helped someone.
But then, this dynamic is different. Chaos surrounds this individual. And the road to help them will be a near impossible climb. Not to mention, as I explained to them earlier tonight, when I met with them to see if I could bring myself to help them, associating myself with them would suck me into their drama—something I strive to avoid.
I sat across the table from this individual earlier this evening, giving them nearly two hours of my time. During that period, as I tried to outline how I could help them, with each word that tumbled from my lips, I felt emptier and emptier. I tried to ignore the K-static in my brain that revved to near deafening volume.
By the time I left the restaurant, I had a headache. I’m not one prone to those. Driving home over the next hour, I replayed how the meeting had gone. The reaction of the other individual. My reaction. The way I now had a sudden headache. I weighed all of this and came to a conclusion. It wasn’t an easy one. I’m not normally one to walk away from a challenge. But this time, I have to, if for no other reason than to honor how my body is screaming at me that getting involved is a bad idea.
Hard decisions are never easy. Walking away from helping another isn’t a snap either. But one thing I’ve learned in recent years…I have to take care of myself first before I can give to others. And when faced with a situation that hinges on my getting drawn into unnecessary chaos and makes me feel used, I have to do what my conscious directs, which this time, is to walk away.
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