Friday, May 25, 2012

Lets’ have fun with today’s blog.  I could straight up tell you what’s bothering me, but what the heck, let’s have a little fun with it instead.  I’m sure you’ve all experienced my dilemma a time or two.  Of what am I speaking?  The merry-go-round automated phone system major corporations utilize. 

Why do they use these?  Their answer would be to help cut costs and expedite more calls.  My response would be to help deter individuals from actually ever making it through to a real live human being to talk to and…if they do, then the merry-go-round automated phone service kicks into super hyper drive, doing its darnedest to keep individuals from actually getting the information they seek.

Here’s an example with my calling a mega insurance company who clings to their merry-go-round automated phone system like a toddler to their beloved blankie—don’t’ you dare attempt to intercept it.

In a calm fashion and with a can-do attitude, I placed my call.  The automated phone system picked up and began to walk me through the call, instructing me to punch buttons and enter account numbers all in the name of the company being able to assist me in a more expedient manner.  Of course, when they inform me that for quality control, my call might be recorded, I begin to lose a little faith that all will go as smooth as I’d like.  Believe it or not, I actually manage to get placed through to a real live human being—who speaks perfect English—and dwells right here in the US.

Point for me….

Me: “Hello, my name is Cindy Hanna and I was hoping to get some information on pricing for a particular benefits package.”

There’s a momentary pause when the woman shuffled papers and clicked buttons on a keyboard before telling me that if I’d give her my email address, she’d be glad to research that and send me the info in the next ten to fifteen minutes.

Hmmm….

Me: “That would be great, but I was hoping you could give me an approximate quote over the phone,” I say, trying to sound as pleasant as possible without giving on that I’m having second thoughts about if I’ll actually ever get the information I’ve requested, since I know how these things work.  All goes well as long as you maintain the real live human being on the phone.  But, hang up or heaven forbid, get disconnected and you have a better chance of winning the lottery than of actually ever making human contact again.

The woman hems and haws.

Not a good sign.

Then she says, “I’ll need that email address now so I can send you the information you’ve requested.  But first, what’s your call back number in case we get disconnected.”

Hmmm....  I don’t want to seem paranoid, but is this her subtle way of telling me that if I press too hard to get a verbal quote, we’ll get “conveniently” disconnected?

I decide to press my luck, thinking I may never get a second chance.  Me: “If you could just give me the verbal quote, I’d be happy to view the information you send me via email….”

There’s not a moment’s hesitation before the woman says she must first research my request and then send me the info via email.

Well, alrighty then…!

I provide the requested email address and hope for the best as the woman promises me that I’ll be sent the information.

Yeah, right, and monkeys are gonna fly out of my rear….  LOL.

Length of that call—nine minutes—a new record of efficiency. 

Of course, needless to say, I never got the information I requested.  I did give the woman the benefit of the doubt, however, that it was towards the end of the business day—probably why she picked up the phone in the first place—and that she might send it to me the following morning.  But she didn’t.  So…I called back.

This time, I got the go nowhere full treatment merry-go-round automated phone system.  Why?  My belief is that the company, believing I hadn’t gotten my money’s worth the first time round, decided to give me an extra long ride—thrilling according to them, frustrating as heck according to me.

I called.  Got the automated system.  Was cued to type in an endless list of numbers.  All went fine and dandy.  But then the trouble began just as soon as they realized who was calling them. 

I swear they had dog-eared my file and made a note to mess with me.  Again, don’t want to sound paranoid, but….

All of a sudden it seemed that our perfectly fine phone line of a second before was making it a challenge for them to hear anything I was saying yet I could hear them perfectly.

Hmmm….

To alleviate this problem, they gave me the option to type in my requested numbers.  I did, but was told they were still having trouble understanding.

Really?  What’s so hard to understand about numbers I accurately type into my phone that then show up on their computer screen?  Don’t they do this for a living day in and day out?  How hard can it be?

Trying to keep my voice calm after having gone round and round in this fashion for almost half an hour, I was finally told that yes, I’d be connected to an actual real live human being who could assist me.

Yippee!

But my joy was premature, for the very next thing I heard was, “We’re sorry, we weren’t able to process your call, so we’re disconnecting.  Please call back.”

Noooooooooooooo!!!

This process repeated itself twice more before my perseverance was eventually rewarded with my being put through to a real live human being.

Yes!  I’m on a roll….

By this time, the better part of an hour had elapsed, my normally low blood pressure had elevated—significantly—and I was just hoping to get through the call without losing my cool.  The bubbly young female that came on the line, however, doused those thoughts almost as soon as they entered my mind when she said, “Yes, I see your request from last night.  It’s in so-and-so’s file, please hold while I connect you to her voice mail.”

My brain couldn’t quite process the irony of what she’d said before I heard the deafening click that I knew would seal my fate and forever disconnect me from any hopes of gaining the information I needed to obtain.

Sure enough, I was placed through to the voicemail of that person—the one who had promised to send me the information within the next ten to fifteen minutes.  Did I mention that promise had occurred fifteen hours earlier?

Score one point for the merry-go-round automated phone systems doing what they’re best at—annoying the living daylights out of honest hard-working folks who are only seeking information.