Tuesday, September 27, 2011

The other day, I had the following sent to me.  It put me in such fits of laughter that I just had to share it here.  It’s my sincerest hope that it doesn’t offend anyone.  In advance, should it, I apologize.

Here’s the piece, entitled The Best Divorce Letter—Ever, that was sent to me….

Dear Wife,


I’m writing you this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you—forever.  I’ve been a good man to you for seven years, and I have nothing to show for it.
 These last two weeks have been hell.... Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today.  That was the last straw.
 Last week, you came home, didn’t even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers.  You ate in two minutes and then went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps.
 You don’t tell me you love me anymore.  You don’t want sex or anything that connects us as husband and wife.  Either you’re cheating on me or you don’t love me anymore.  Whatever the case, I’m gone.


Your Ex-Husband


P.S. Don’t try to find me. Your sister and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life! ——

And the wife’s response….

Dear Ex-Husband,


Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter.  It’s true you and I have been married for seven years, although a good man is a far cry from what you’ve been.
 I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping.  Too bad that doesn’t work.  I did notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the first thing that came to mind was, you look just like a girl!  Since my mother raised me to not say anything if you can’t say something nice, I didn’t comment.
 And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with my sister, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago.  About those new silk boxers…I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still attached, and I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning.
 After all of this, I still loved you and felt we could work it out.  So when I hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica.  But when I got home, you were gone. 

Everything happens for a reason, I guess.
 I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted.  My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won’t get a dime from me. So take care.


Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell and FreeeEEEeee!


P.S. I don’t know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl.  I hope that’s not a problem.