Wednesday, November 9, 2011

How does one overcome certain tragedies such as suicide?  Can they overcome them?  If so, is that cycle complete, or are there shadowy remnants of old scars that never heal?

I have several friends whose lives were impacted by family members’ suicides.  Though my friends’ lives have carried on and are fulfilling, there’s the tiniest, and sometimes not so tiny, niggling of pain that bubbles just beneath the surface.

Something as innocuous as a word, glance, song or scene in a movie or book can send them skittering right back to that moment in time…the one they’d like to forget…but can’t.  I never know quite what to say when this happens.  Sometimes, I feel it’s best to say nothing, allowing my friends the freedom to express themselves to one who’s willing to sit back and listen.  Other times, I’m inclined to wrap them in the most secure embrace, my heart aching over their pain.

One of those friends is having a tough time right now, as the anniversary of their son’s suicide falls on this coming weekend.  The timing is hard enough, what with the holidays approaching.  Couple into the equation that the son committed suicide just a few weeks prior to his birthday, and the wound deepens.  And that the son’s birthday fell just before Thanksgiving…yeah, you’re probably getting a good idea of my friend’s pain. 

I describe this friend as a warrior.  One who, since their son’s death, overcame cancer themselves, the doctors having given up hope. 

There are those who find this friend’s mood swings unnerving.  Not me, for I’m willing to take a deeper look and understand that when their mood swings, it’s usually in relation to the scars of their son’s suicide bubbling to the surface.  Haunting them….

Though some may turn away, I make it a point to look these friends in the eye.  Why?  

Because I don’t want them to feel any shame over what happened.  When we lock eyes, mine are not filled with pity, but with compassion, understanding and acceptance. 

At times, living is hard enough, but when one is a survivor affected by suicide, those challenges can be pronounced.  I choose to help smooth the path of my survivor friends’ lives, not further complicate them by placing undue burdens or guilt on them.  By doing so, I hope to somewhat release the hold those shadowy remnants of old scars might hold over them.